I am one of the women in the United States that was NOT groped by Donald Trump. There, I've admitted it. Donald Trump did NOT grope me. But.....
Once upon a time I was a young woman. I was riding buses, el trains, walking down the street by myself, taking cabs home with co-workers. Men did try to touch me inappropriately. Sometimes strangers, sometimes co-workers. I was groped.
Are there any women out there who weren't groped by someone at some time?
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| Random man groping random woman |
I want to make it clear that I have never been raped.
The groping that succeeded was all through clothes. The unwanted kisses did not "land". But Trump's bus braggadocio and the parade of women coming forward to claim that Donald Trump groped them or made unwanted physical advances brings back a lot of memories, unpleasant memories.
I did call the police on one man, a man who accosted me on a quiet suburban street just a few blocks from my home back in 1980 or 1981. However, the police couldn't find that man. He tried to kiss me, I pulled away, faced him, stared at him for a second, and he ran off. I remember thinking that if he took one more step towards me I would throw my briefcase at him and scream. But he took off. This was during the days before cell phones; as I said, I called the cops when I got home just a few minutes later. I had been walking down a proverbial quiet suburban tree-lined street on my way home from the train around 8 in the evening. I was about 28 at the time.
So.. why don't women come forward? Why don't they tell people about these things for 20 or 30 or 40 years? Well, embarrassment and self-blame are the biggest reasons. You blame yourself for being in the position of getting groped. You blame yourself for not leaving, not screaming, not running away in the first second; you blame yourself for being alone.. for being by yourself.
The man in the event I chronicled above started walking next to me and talking to me when I was about a block west of the train station. At first he just walked next to me and tried to engage me in some kind of small talk. I was pleasant, because women are supposed to be pleasant and I had no reason NOT to be pleasant. It was only when he grabbed me and said "kiss me" that I pulled away from him. How did I feel? Mad AT MYSELF that I didn't walk away from this man when he first started walking next to me. I should have ignored him or asked him to leave me alone. The man was not a celebrity, so he had no excuse, as Donald Trump thinks he does, because he is a "star" and the woman WANTED to be grabbed and told to "kiss me." I did not want that man to kiss me, touch me, or talk to me, for that matter.
"Grab Them By Their Pussy"
The first time I was groped I was 17.. a very innocent 17. I was walking down the street in that same low-crime tree-lined suburb on the day back in 1969 when the US landed Apollo on the moon. I had started walking with my sister and a friend. I can't remember why we were walking as we both had driver's licenses by that time, but we were walking towards our home a half mile south. We were going to watch the moon landing at our house.
Somehow we got separated, perhaps, being teen-aged girls, we had a squabble. I don't know. But I was on one side of the street and my sister and the friend were walking on the other side of the street, about a block ahead. It was still light as it was summer, perhaps 6 p.m. A couple of young men that I didn't know were walking towards me. I paid them no attention, but as they walked passed me, one of the young men grabbed my breast and then, yes, grabbed my pussy through my shorts. I was absolutely and totally shocked and horrified. I screamed, the boys ran off, and I ran up to catch up to the other girls. I don't know if anybody knew who those boys were.
I honestly don't know if I told my parents. If I didn't, it would be because I would be concerned that my parents wouldn't let me wander the streets by myself or with friends as we were used to doing. Whenever anybody talks about the first moon landing, I remember that young man coming towards me on that beautiful summer evening on that quiet tree-lined street and grabbing my pussy. It isn't a good memory. If only I had stayed with the other girls....
Sharing a cab..
I could go on. There was the boss's boss's boss with whom I shared a cab to the train station after some kind of office party. I had barely ever talked to the man.. and he was married. He grabbed me and tried to kiss me. I just pushed him away. I think he actually apologized and nothing was ever said about that again.
If you are stuck in the window seat...
The most difficult situations occur when the woman is sitting on the window seat in an el or a bus (or an airplane). If you try to climb over the abuser, you invite MORE close contact. Perhaps you can move away if there is room or if you have a coat or a purse that you can somehow maneuver between you and the abuser.
Sometimes, if you are really stuck (which happened to me once on a Chicago subway train--- when the train was stopped due to some kind of problem on the tracks ahead of us), you can say "Please let me out." and other passengers will come to your assistance. (That is what I did during that episode.. an episode involving an employee of a client for whom I was a consultant!) Another passenger actually came to my defense when I got out of the seat and the creepy guy followed me to the exit when the train, after what seemed like an eternity, finally started moving. The other passenger, a young man, said "Let her alone."
I did report that man. He was suspended from his union job. Many other women then came forward and described similar behavior. But when he had a hearing about why he was being fired, I was the only woman willing to come forward to testify against him. It was hard. His attorneys hammered me for not leaving immediately. I tried to explain that I was on the inside seat and climbing over him would have meant more unwanted contact. The guy did wind up getting fired for sexual harassment. Even the union couldn't help him. They were probably happy to get rid of him, as there had been other work place complaints about him not involving sexual harassment.
"Like Many Women, I was ashamed and blamed myself."
One of the women who was allegedly abused by Trump, Natasha Stoynoff, wrote that “like many women, I was ashamed and blamed myself for his transgression. . . . I was afraid that a famous, powerful, wealthy man could and would discredit and destroy me.” None of the creeps who groped me were famous, powerful, or wealthy. But I was ashamed---and to some extent, I did blame myself..
Blame the Victim
Trump has engaged in "blame the victim" talk when confronted with allegations from these various women. We all heard him talk about managing unwanted contact on the bus with Billy Bush, but he has insisted that was "just talk". After women came forward, he went into "blame the victim" mode. The women were not attractive enough for him to grope, even though all of them looked attractive to me, including the 74 year old woman who was only in her mid 30's when Trump allegedly groped her. (But, let's be honest, attractiveness has nothing to do with this.)
Today, Saturday, October 15th, Trump said something along the line of "She said she was sitting next to me for 15 minutes. 15 minutes? Women here would only tolerate one second before... SLAP!" Yeah, Trump supporters wouldn't tolerate sexual harassment; they are somehow superior to the women who did endure sexual harassment. (I'm engaging in sarcasm here.) Blame the victim. Divide women who have been harassed from women who have not been harassed. Make the women who have not had the kind of experiences that I had, the kind of experiences the alleged Trump victims had, feel superior to "victims".
Do I believe these women? Yes. As a whole. Because women try to be "nice", especially if they are with an employer, a prospective employer, a co-worker, or even someone who just starts talking to them while they are walking down the street. Why does it take them so long to come forward? Why do they only come forward after someone else comes forward? First of all, look at what Trump has said about these women. Also, several of them feel guilty about continued contact with Trump as they STILL thought that perhaps he would help them with a job or a business arrangement.. even after he demonstrated boorish, reprehensible behavior.
Why do they only come forward after someone else comes forward?
The first one will give courage to the others, as I learned when I reported that guy for trying to kiss me and grope me on the El train. Why do you need courage? Well, you may be afraid of being raked over the coals .. or you may feel extremely guilty that you SOMEHOW got in a position when a creep could stick his hands up your skirt.
Well, one last story:
I was sitting in a window seat on an El train many years back when a young man sat next to me. No big deal, the train was crowded, not many more seats. The train pulled out of the station. I felt a mild pressure on my thigh. I assumed that I had accidentally bumped into the man, and I moved closer to the window. Then another "pressure". I moved even closer to the window. Then a touch on my thigh, under my skirt, that I could not ignore. I shoved my purse between me and the man sitting next to me and I got out at the next stop, taking the next train home.
I'll tell you what bothered me about that. I didn't scream; I didn't report the guy to the CTA. I should have gotten up, pointed to the man and said in a loud voice "This man is a pervert! Get out of here!" Or something like that. But I didn't. Perhaps the pervert immediately went to sit next to another woman, perhaps a younger woman, and his fingers started climbing. Perhaps he got farther with her.
But I didn't report the guy; I didn't yell; I didn't scream. I just left. The guy was free to move on. Just as the many women that Trump allegedly groped did not say or do anything, leaving a potential groper and sexual harasser to continue for years, for decades.
Donald Trump?
Enough is enough. Donald Trump should not be elected President, not just because he is allegedly a groper, but because he is fundamentally unfit to be President. Character, experience, policies; he's got none of that.
